how Kieran Michael changed my life (a very long blog entry!)

It's only Wednesday and this week's already been crazy! We sold our couch, bought two new ones and have been preparing for the kids' birthday party this weekend - we have TWO birthdays to celebrate this week! Miss Maia will be 3 years old on Friday, and Mr. Kieran is 1 tomorrow - ONE! Can you believe it? Wasn't he born just yesterday? My little St. Patty's Day baby, born 10 weeks too soon, is going to be one year old and it just floors me. While I am away from the kids at work, on my lunch break, I feel a compelling, emotional need to blog because it's a very bittersweet week for me. As with any child's birthday there are a lot of sweet emotions as you realize how quickly life has passed you by, how many milestones they've met, how many joyous experiences you've had with them. Maia has made leaps and bounds from 2 to 3 and it's been really wild to see her grow up this past year as she became a big sister. And Kieran, well....something about his birthday is just extra emotional, and extra special. I'm sure you can understand why that might be.

I've spent nearly every day since Saturday thinking about where I was a year ago. A year ago last Saturday I was leaving the hospital after a diagnosis of pre-eclampsia & a weekend of monitoring to head home on bedrest. My bedrest lasted 2.5 days before I found myself in excruciating abdominal pain, unable to breathe - I later learned that was my liver crying out for help. I went to the hospital hoping for a quick visit but they admitted me and gave me the news that with both a pre-eclampsia & HELLP syndrome diagnosis, I would have to deliver my baby boy far in advance of his May 28th due date. There was a calm in me when we started the induction, though. Partly because I knew a few days in advance that he might have to come early, so I was prepared, and partly because I just KNEW things were going to be okay - I sensed it. I remember the induction went swiftly and smoothly - something I never would have thought possible at 29.5 weeks along, and I remember taking a bath to relax & going "inside myself" to talk to my little boy. I closed my eyes and tried to connect to him, and I told him that I was so sorry that I was sick, and so sorry he had to come out early, but that mommy and daddy loved him so much and would take good care of him, that he would be safe and loved and everything would be okay. And everything WAS okay. Besides the induction, the birth was gentle on he & I and got to touch him and kiss him before he went to the NICU - something that's not very common with preemies from what I hear. I started pumping milk for him as soon as I had rested and got to do kangaroo care with him against my chest later that day. And I remember thinking how crazy it was, that of all days for him to be born he was born on St. Patrick's Day, like he was my little good luck charm forever. People asked me if we named him Kieran (an Irish name) because of the birthday, but no, he was going to be Kieran Michael even if he was born in May. And the reddish blond hair he has now has turned into a bright red color - very fitting for a little Irishman! It was all so crazy, all of it, like it was meant to be...

One year later it doesn't even feel like I was ever sick. I had pre-eclampsia with my first pregnancy (Maia was actually due April 5th!) and pre-e and HELLP with Kieran but you would never know, looking at all of us now, that we were ever affected by the disease. But if there was one good thing to come out of having my son 10 weeks early (and there are more than one, but this is the best) it's that his birth was my wake-up call. Not just a "life is sacred" sort of wake up call - because, well, it is, but that's not the only thing I learned. After I got home from the hospital and during Kieran's NICU stay I started researching pre-eclampsia & HELLP syndrome, wondering why I had it, what I could have done to prevent it. Sure, it was after the fact but it helped me process a lot of feelings. And in my research I discovered that I was completely, 100% unhealthy in my diet and lifestyle, and while pregnant with both children, my body acted out. I never ate well, never had a balanced diet, ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't drink enough water & had too much caffeine. I ate candy, donuts, pizza, Chinese, lots of fruits but minimal veggies, and other high-fat, high-cholesterol foods. I definitely did not have enough protein - especially while pregnant with Kieran and still nursing Maia. I never exercised. I should have been in the best shape of my life, and taken care of myself better than I ever had before, but did I? No, and I am ashamed to say that. I am ashamed to admit that I never had a balanced diet until I was 25 years old. That I never knew how big an impact nutrition makes on your day-to-day existence until I was shaken to my core by a huge health scare. And it's sad that it took risking my son's health, my son's life, to get that through my head, but there's nothing I can do about that now...except spread the word. I have changed my diet completely, and I am still working on that now. I used to have high cholesterol and recently I discovered that it is only 1 point above normal, which is excellent for a breastfeeding mom! I am always making sure to intake protein and balance my carbs & sugars. I rarely eat packaged food anymore, and now when I eat something sugary or fatty, I feel it RIGHT away. I still can't believe that I never gave any thought to my diet before, but it's never too late to change your diet and change your life! Now I'm on the quest to find a fun physical activity to keep my heart healthy and my body moving, because recently there have been studies like this one that say that if you've had pre-eclampsia show up in pregnancies that you're at higher risk for heart disease (and even Maia is at greater risk for pre-e and heart disease simply because I was, ugh!) That is SO scary to me!

Kieran's birth sparked something in me besides a new respect for my body, my health, and a renewed sense of life. His birth opened my eyes to what premature babies and moms go through with the NICU journey and breastfeeding struggles, and gave me insight into birth/NICU trauma as experienced by mothers. His birth ignited a passion in me to help support other moms on their own NICU journeys and transition to life at home, and to help preemie moms be able to breastfeed. As a result of everything I went through, I now know where my passions lie, and I will be training this spring to be a Certified Lactation Counselor and a Postpartum Doula, specializing in preemies of course.

They say everything happens for a reason - I think Kieran's premature birth happened for a million reasons. He changed me in every possible way and for that I am so extremely thankful. And I thank God for keeping him safe and healthy throughout the NICU journey, and his whole first year at home. He is a blessing to me and our family, and all those who meet him. He is a beautiful ball of sunshine and love. I cannot imagine my life without him. He really is my lucky charm. Happy birthday tomorrow, my sweet little Button...I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

From this...2 lbs, 10 oz, 15 inches long...


to this...24 lbs & 30 inches...!

The backstory - Kieran's birth

I thought I should probably post a back story on Kieran's situation so you can see where it all started. In the interest of time, here is the note I posted on Facebook on March 13th, 2010, about my first pre-eclampsia issues with Kieran's pregnancy.

Kieran's birth story
After my initial pre-e diagnosis, I was discharged Saturday evening the 13th, to bedrest at home. The goal was to keep Kieran in as long as possible and as close to term as possible. I was 29.5 weeks along and wasn't due until May 28th. I thought "Sure, I can make it until 32 weeks, then we'll try for 34 weeks, and maybe we can make it to 36!" But of course, my body had to cooperate with that goal. Sunday and Monday went off without a hitch symptom-wise. At 3:30 AM Tuesday morning I woke up with extreme abdominal/gastric pain. This was something they warned me about on my discharge papers, but I wanted to see if it was heartburn first so I took some Maalox - those didn't help at all! I tried sleeping in some different positions, and eventually Josh woke up to help me try to figure out what was wrong. By 7AM I was writhing around, barely able to breathe so I called the hospital, who told me to come in right away. Josh and Maia quickly gathered things up and we headed out. I could barely walk in to the hospital so I went to the emergency room to get wheeled in. Once they put me in bed, they took my BP a few times - the highest they got was 194/90. They had my labs drawn to check my liver function and checked kidney function with a urine test as well, and discovered that my liver enzymes were up (a non-issue the weekend before) and my blood platelets were even lower than weekend levels. Protein in my urine was also up, and they started to suspect it could be HELLP syndrome on top of the pre-eclampsia. They quickly started me on a magnesium sulfate drip to help prevent seizures and started to talk about inducing.

I think we had a slight advantage to Kieran's preterm birth by being in the hospital over the weekend. Josh and I knew that this was a possibility; that I may have to deliver. When they started to talk about inducing I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be, except for the fact that I had no idea induction could be successful at 29.5 weeks gestation. The nurses assured me that sometimes the body and baby just knows something's not right and the induction can end in a successful vaginal delivery - an optimal goal and a much gentler birth for both mom and baby. I was found to be a fingertip dilated, so they opted to start Cervadil, a drug used to ripen and prepare the cervix, and then later move on to a Pitocin drip to push the uterus to contract. Cervadil was started at about 1PM, and I finally got some relief from gastric pain, so I was able to relax and breathe and start focusing on the first task ahead: giving birth to my 29.5 weeker.

I had planned on learning Hypnobirthing techniques with this pregnancy to help me cope with labor pains, and had just started reading about the method, thinking I had weeks to prepare. Luckily I had read enough and started to visualize my cervix opening up (I used an opening flower visualization) and sure enough, it started to do just that. I spent some time going inside myself - closing my eyes, talking to Kieran and encouraging him to come out, explaining to him about what was going on with his mama. I tried to focus only the birth, something I could sort of control, and not worry about the tough road that lied ahead with a NICU stay. I was able to stay focused and I knew I was progressing. At 7PM, I was 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced, so they stopped the Cervadil. I continued to labor until it was decided to start Pitocin - that was hooked up at 12AM. My mom arrived shortly after that to help support Josh and I. After that, contractions started to get slightly more intense, and I started to visualize being on waves to help me get through those contractions. At about 1AM, the RN who was staying with me noticed they started to get more intense and said she wanted to check me. I told her that I felt pressure - sure enough, his head was RIGHT there and my bag of waters was bulging. Since the NICU had to be on-call for Kieran and be at the birth, she started calling over the intercom to get help - the doctor was not in the room at this time, either! I told them I needed to push - the RN said "don't push!", but that wasn't going to happen, I couldn't stop! My water broke, and then another push or two later, Kieran was born. There was another flurry of activity with more nurses coming in, prepping to care for him right away, but I was able to see what was going on at the end of the bed and watch them work. He was SO tiny, but he seemed long. Josh accompanied him over to the isolette to peek at what the nurses were doing but mostly had to stay back so they could focus on getting him hooked up to the various machines. Once he was swaddled and prepared to go to the NICU I was able to hold him for a few moments to take pictures with him and then he was whisked away. Josh was able to see him an hour after birth in the NICU while I stayed back to get cleaned up, rest and focus on the next task at hand for me - getting better.

I was still quite sick post-birth; I required a lot of BP checks & lab level checks to make sure my levels were coming down - thankfully they were, and my blood pressure has finally returned to normal as of this evening. I had to stay on the magnesium sulfate another 24 hours. Delivery is the only cure for pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, and unfortunately it resulted in the preterm birth of our beautiful little son.

Kieran Michael was born on March 17th, 2010, at 1:05AM. 2lb, 10 ounces & 15 inches long. It was St. Patrick's Day - and the Irish name we had picked out for him before he was born seemed all the more fitting that day. He is going to need the luck of the Irish, and all the prayers and love he can get, too. He was born at 29.5 weeks and has a bit of a tough road ahead of him, but we are confident that he's getting great care in the NICU and that our little guy is a fighter. He is our beautiful little lucky charm!